The Fox and the Grapes

Ms. Julia Schroeder

Living where downloading is okay

Visiting a land where it is not

This cruel, inconsistent world

Mr. Brother's Roommate

I’ll protect your identity

Fitchburg, WI 53711

July 11, 2015

Dear Brother's Roommate:

Today, my brother informed me that you were recently chastised by Fox Entertainment Group, Inc. for allegedly distributing episodes of Modern Family via your wireless network, which is whimsically named “PJ and Zippi” after my brother’s pet chinchillas.  How symbolically appropriate that those adorable rodents from the rocky wilds of South America serve as a mascot for your point of internet connectivity, all while being covertly monitored by a greedy, sly “fox” of a North American corporation.  Sofia Vergara would not approve.

Even though I don’t usually even watch what I download, I know that it was somehow my habitual Turkish torrenting that attracted the attention of the law during my visit to your home last week.  But, to be perfectly honest, I am confused.  Dumbfounded, even.  Or maybe just dumb, for the only definitions of “torrent” that I truly understand are the two thus provided by www.merriam-webster.com:

1) a large amount of water that moves very quickly in one direction

2) a large amount of something that is released suddenly

The only way I can make sense of my current feeling, this uncomfortable feeling that I am drowning in a torrent of corporate antipathy and taking you down with me, is to Paint™ (<I’m not taking any chances anymore) you a representative picture of my pain:

Of course, Fox is within its rights.  These bitter sentiments are just covering up my wounded, weakened soul.  I feel like a network representative should have to take me out to dinner and hear my life story before passing judgment on my copyright violations.  If I explained that my primary means of entertainment between the months of December and May was crying in the fetal position in a foreign country, would they so callously deny me 20-minute intervals of comic relief? 

Also, who knew they actually send Cease & Desist letters to anyone living in Wisconsin?  It’s such an innocent land populated by such an innocent people who consistently drive 5 mph under the speed limit.  I would argue that the only problems Wisconsin has ever caused are for the lactose intolerant.  That reminds me… Season 3, Episode 7 of Modern Family aptly reveals that Haley is lactose intolerant.  Do you think she put them up to this?  That little bitch.

But let me not place false blame.  Brother's Roommate, please do not pursue a life of crime because of my shameful precedent.  I may have artfully dodged/redirected the bullet by visiting your home and leaving in my wake nothing but a legacy of legal notices, but I acknowledge that I (albeit unknowingly) pulled the trigger.  I have, therefore, uninstalled all downloading software from my computer.  That’s right:  I am done with the Dunphys.  And with that, I’d like to close with a brief retelling (from Wikipedia, don’t sue me) of the timeless fable of The Fox and the Grapes, as one final, obscure message to Fox Entertainment Group, Inc.:

“Driven by hunger, a fox tried to reach some grapes hanging high on the vine but was unable to, although he leaped with all his strength. As he went away, the fox remarked 'Oh, you aren't even ripe yet! I don't need any sour grapes.' People who speak disparagingly of things that they cannot attain would do well to apply this story to themselves.”

The moral of this story is that I didn't want to watch you anyway, Modern Fam.  Also, wine is made from grapes and (in the words of Cam, also S3E7), “I think I need a drink-a-doodle-doo.” 

My sincerest apologies,

Julie