Ms. Julia Schroeder
Living where downloading is okay
Visiting a land where it is not
This cruel, inconsistent world
Mr. Brother's Roommate
I’ll protect your identity
Fitchburg, WI 53711
July 11, 2015
Dear Brother's Roommate:
Today, my brother informed me that you were recently
chastised by Fox Entertainment Group, Inc. for allegedly distributing episodes
of Modern Family via your wireless network, which is whimsically named “PJ and
Zippi” after my brother’s pet chinchillas.
How symbolically appropriate that those adorable rodents from the rocky
wilds of South America serve as a mascot for your point of internet
connectivity, all while being covertly monitored by a greedy, sly “fox” of a
North American corporation. Sofia
Vergara would not approve.
Even though I don’t usually even watch what I download, I
know that it was somehow my habitual Turkish torrenting that attracted the
attention of the law during my visit to your home last week. But, to be perfectly honest, I am confused. Dumbfounded, even. Or maybe just dumb, for the only definitions
of “torrent” that I truly understand are the two thus provided by www.merriam-webster.com:
1) a large amount of water that moves very quickly in one direction
2) a large amount of something that is released suddenly
The only way I can make sense of my current feeling, this uncomfortable
feeling that I am drowning in a torrent of corporate antipathy and taking you
down with me, is to Paint™ (<I’m not taking any chances anymore) you a representative
picture of my pain:
Of course, Fox is within its
rights. These bitter sentiments are just
covering up my wounded, weakened soul. I
feel like a network representative should have to take me out to dinner and
hear my life story before passing judgment on my copyright violations. If I explained that my primary means of
entertainment between the months of December and May was crying in the fetal
position in a foreign country, would they so callously deny me 20-minute intervals
of comic relief?
Also, who knew they actually send Cease & Desist letters
to anyone living in Wisconsin? It’s such
an innocent land populated by such an innocent people who consistently drive 5
mph under the speed limit. I would argue
that the only problems Wisconsin has ever caused are for the lactose
intolerant. That reminds me… Season 3,
Episode 7 of Modern Family aptly reveals that Haley is lactose intolerant. Do you think she put them up to this? That little bitch.
But let me not place false blame. Brother's Roommate, please do not pursue a life of crime
because of my shameful precedent. I may
have artfully dodged/redirected the bullet by visiting your home and leaving in
my wake nothing but a legacy of legal notices, but I acknowledge that I (albeit
unknowingly) pulled the trigger. I have,
therefore, uninstalled all downloading software from my computer. That’s right:
I am done with the Dunphys. And
with that, I’d like to close with a brief retelling (from Wikipedia, don’t sue
me) of the timeless fable of The Fox and the Grapes, as one final, obscure message
to Fox Entertainment Group, Inc.:
“Driven by hunger, a
fox tried to reach some grapes hanging high on the vine but was unable to,
although he leaped with all his strength. As he went away, the fox remarked
'Oh, you aren't even ripe yet! I don't need any sour grapes.' People who speak
disparagingly of things that they cannot attain would do well to apply this
story to themselves.”
The moral of this story is that I didn't want to watch you anyway, Modern Fam. Also, wine is made from
grapes and (in the words of Cam, also S3E7), “I think I need a
drink-a-doodle-doo.”
My sincerest apologies,
Julie
